Boredom got a new best friend

Oh look - there's another list in The Guardian I feel the need to scoff at - sorry, I mean write up so you can consider whether it might help you get through this difficult period.  This one is "56 tried and tested ways to beat lockdown boredom".  They are mostly tried and tested by "celebrities" or Guardian columnists, apparently - but it's safe to assume a fair proportion of them are also idiots, so obviously I name and shame them.

1. Draw your partner
Go for it if you want to - what's the worst that can happen?  More boredom, rows and divorce, I guess - but at least you'll have something to remember them by.

2. Have a chutney-tasting competition
Hmmm - I'm slightly concerned we've gone peak-Guardian too early here.  And surely they should have had "Have a chutney-making competition" first?!?  Shame on you, Mel Giedroyc.

3. Play online chess
I do this, so I am unable to scoff - so I'll have to leave you to do so for me.

4. Film spring coming into bloom
This starts promisingly - "My son told me that the cure for lockdown boredom is to rush up to a stranger in the street, then (from a 2-metre distance) ask: “What year is it?” and, on hearing the answer, scream: “Oh my God, it WORKED!” and run away" but then turns into "take a picture of the same tree every day" - which to be honest would just stress me out if it got to the evening and I'd forgotten to do it.

5. Watch The West Wing
Not a bad idea, but if you attempt it non-stop, it will take you about a week.  This is not necessarily something to aim for though.

6. Make your own paper and ink
Ah no, Felix from East Sussex has managed to out-Guardian Mel by collecting dead leaves off his local golf course and making birthday cards out of them, which he then writes in with ink made from oak trees.  Of course he does...

7. Run off the beaten track
If I did this, there would be a lot of complaints about all the mud I was dragging in.  This is, of course, the only reason I'm not doing it.

8. Make cushions for friends
You can relax - I won't be doing this.  "Make cushions for enemies" is tempting, however...

9. Listen to Shame
They're an indie band apparently, as recommended by Mel B.  What is it with people called Mel and their suggestions for this list?!?

10. Watch some strangers get married
Nick Grimshaw watches Married At First Sight Australia with a dedicated WhatsApp group, followed by a postmatch conference call.  Obviously, I'm gutted I'm not invited.

11. Read Shakespeare out loud
Joan Bakewell suggests reading a Shakespearean sonnet each day - there are 182 in total apparently.  It won't be for everyone, but I think there are worse things you could do...

12. Draw a My Little Pony
...and this would be one of them. 

13. Cook your way to better health
"Not everything has been a success: the camel on Christmas Day was a poor choice".  I think it's a joke, but it's not entirely clear.

14. Do the (very) small tasks
Unsubscribing from all the email lists followed by folding carrier bags, apparently.  I agree with the principle of completing a task and getting pleasure from it, it's just the tasks I might have issues with.

15. Cook a recipe on the back of a random tin
I do something similar in that I collect random recipes from various magazines that I think I'll enjoy making.  I then do something not similar in that I never actually make them.

16. Make beats on your laptop
I actually might do this - but I promise not to share the results.

17. Get chickens
Shaun Ryder keeps chickens.  To be honest, it's the chickens I feel sorry for.

18. Watch Bez become the new Joe Wicks
I still feel sorry for the chickens.

19. Look up at night
Will either make you awestruck at the unimaginable wonder of the universe or make you depressed as you consider your insignificance in the grand scheme of things.  You decide if it's worth the risk!

20. Try a writing exercise
"Write an appreciation of the last work of art you remember being moved by in a gallery or museum."  Muuuuum - what's a gallery or museum?

21. Train your kids to be massage therapists
"This lockdown, I’ve trained my daughters to walk on my back."  Fine if your children are correctly sized but it would not end well for me, I fear.

22. Watch Curb Your Enthusiasm
Errr. No.

23. Try a poem a day
Fine advice from Janet Ellis, made even finer by ending it with "They don’t even rhyme. Most of the time."

24. Get a hot tub
Craig Charles and his wife sit in it until "our skin becomes pruned and has the consistency of wet soap".  This was not a mental image I needed - but a problem shared is a problem halved and all that.

25. Make videos for your family
It's easy to video stuff, but I find "making videos" to be exceedingly hard work so this would stress me out - but the results can be very rewarding.

26. Discover history YouTube
"I’ve been watching YouTube videos to learn about historical events and keep boredom at bay." No - sorry, I don't understand how this would work.  But having said that, I read Wikipedia for fun!

27. Have an Elton John power half-hour
A fine idea, but not Elton every day for me.  Pick a different artist every day and just say "Alexa, shuffle top tracks by X", followed by "Alexa, volume up!", of course.

28. Document the species on your daily walk
I actually like spotting different kinds of birds - but unfortunately if it's not one of the 10 species I recognise, I end up calling it "a bird" and any further attempts to identify it always result in failure.

29. Keep a diary
This was from a theatre critic.  It feels a very theatre critic-y thing to do.

30. Take joy in colourful dressing
This was from a fashion editor.  It feels a very fashion editor-y thing to do.

31. Start cycling
I need to restart cycling - for some unclear reason I took last year off but I do enjoy it.  It's good exercise and gets you out in the countryside (and there's a surprisingly amount out there if you go looking for it).  Although I will be waiting until it's a little bit warmer than it is out there at the minute

32. Watch A Teacher
I was a little confused by this until I read it more closely - it's telling you to watch "A Teacher" on iPlayer.  If Russell T Davies says it's good, it probably is - but there's so much on my "to watch" list and sooooo little time.

33. Find your local giraffes
"I live in London, don't you know?!?"  Yes, thanks for that, Arifa...

34. Try a Stephen Fry audiobook
I've never listened to an audiobook - does that make me weird?  I like podcasts, but the time for them is somewhat limited at the minute - and for some strange reason, I also associate them with travelling somewhere, which is also somewhat limited.  But I've never ventured into an audiobook - am I missing out?

35. Set up a 70s film club
Of all the decades I'd pick, the 70s wouldn't be the one.  But I like making time for films or TV series - we're currently working through season 5 of Engrenages (only 6 years after it came out).  And you won't believe who they've just killed off!

36. Start making a collage
Surely "making a collage" is just "cutting and sticking" from primary school.  And why would you do that?!?

37. Start a lockdown band
As recommended by Guy Garvey (from Elbow).  I suspect if I started a lockdown band, no-one would thank me.

38. Create a mini sauna
To be fair, Kwame Kwei-Armah pretty much says "I know I'm an arse for suggesting this" but he likes it, so fair play to him.

39. Play a rowdy card game
Hmmm.  Not for me, methinks - but I might be tempted to see if I can get the girls to play Perudo, which I very much enjoy.  A game where you're encouraged to lie, but lie cleverly - what's not to love?  Or you can just lie badly, like my Dad does :-)

40. Travel the world through cinema
Chris from Manchester suggests watching a film from a different country each week, going through the alphabet.  I quite like this idea.

41. Read Aldous Huxley
Whereas I positively don't like this idea - he doesn't feel like the author we need in these challenging times.

42. Take up the ukulele
Or this idea - although I've been tempted to try out the keyboard that sits opposite my work sofa (desks and kitchen worksurfaces are so last lockdown) on a few occasions.  But I have conspicuously failed to even turn the thing on.

43. Be receptive
"The heron waits on the roof of next door’s shed, eyeing up the pond below. Every morning, there he is, visible from my bed. For days last summer, a hawk moth sat in the hedge, an astonishment whenever it opened its wings."  Errr - you what?!?

44. Make a collaborative quilt
If you can, then, by all means, quilt.  But if I sent a quilt I'd made through the post to a lockdown baby, I'd probably be arrested for hate mail.

45. Try an online poker game
This is a fun idea and I might investigate whether I can get it sorted with the other dads.  No women allowed, obviously!

46. Make your own television
Kamien from London says "I wrote, performed, recorded, edited and published a one-man lockdown sitcom, despite having no previous experience of writing, performing, recording or editing."  I imagine the result is either impressive or horrendous - but I also imagine it was both a lot of fun - and a lot of work

47. Help at a vaccine centre
If you have the time, then I can imagine this is a fantastically worthwhile activity.  So much so, that I can't think of anything to mock about it.

48. Peruse Luke Unabombers’ Instagram account
Fortunately, to make up for that unfortunate outbreak of seriousness, the Guardian's culture editor has come up with this stellar idea for me to openly mock.  I can imagine this would keep me amused for, oh, at least seconds.

49. Memorise poems
Isn't just reading sonnets or poems (both previously suggested) enough?  No, you have to out-Guardian yourself and memorise the bloody things, apparently.

50. Start a gratitude journal
Oh, just fuck off now.  If you really want something for your journal, then just be grateful I'm not there to show you where it might fit.

51. Bake with your kids
A good suggestion from Rebecca Adlington who I remember with fondness as being super smiley.  She also gets props for describing herself as a former athlete - none of this "TV personality/presenter" nonsense, so I will take this opportunity to wish her well for the baby due next month.

52. Try an online truth mandala
A recommendation from Raphaela in Bristol.  Say no more.

53. Move your furniture around
A game of two halves from Laura Marling - the somewhat pretentious "I have been mostly rearranging furniture in the vain attempt to conjure some sort of aesthetic perfection, which helps in a hamster-on-a-wheel kind of way." is nicely counterbalanced by slightly more practical/realistic "As does putting up bookshelves to store the books I’m not reading."

54. Take a pen and paper – and write
I can hardly argue with the writing thing now, can i?  But I see absolutely no need for a pen and paper to be involved.

55. Make friends with Alexa
Seems like sound advice, but this guy appears to have somehow made a mortal enemy of her - "Today, I asked Alexa for a classic album – she came up with Ultimate Manilow".  Harsh.

56. Watch the sunrise
I will suggest this to my 14 year old - and I can assure you that watching her hysterical laughter will relieve lockdown boredom far more effectively than any of these other suggestions.

Go on, try one - and let me know how it works!

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